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F: …Aunt Stella, will you, please, finish with all this nonsense about my being aware or not? AUNT STELLA: You started, first. You’ve been saying that to Mr. Woody Allen since he entered the house! Didn't I tell you not to speak about it in front of others because they'll think you're mad? If only your family knows this, all right, our family knows how to keep a secret… but the rest? The rest will laugh at you. People… F: I don't care about any people…! AUNT STELLA: I invite you not to yell at me, because I'll kick your face… WOODY ALLEN: All right, all right!… F: Oh, Mr. Woody Allen, you're still here?… I was not aware of that!… AUNT STELLA: Well, you see, Mister says I'm right. Am I not? Mr. Allen, we've always lived in peace with the neighbours. You should mention this fact. WOODY ALLEN: Of course. DOG: Waw! F: Mr. Woody Allen, I think we can continue. No one will interrupt us from now on. Aunt Stella, would you? AUNT STELLA: God forbid! Me? I'll just sit here and listen. F: I already told you about my childhood. Any special questions? AUNT STELLA: What did you tell him? F: Aunt Stella, I was speaking to Mr. Allen, not to you. AUNT STELLA: I know, I know but isn't it necessary for me to know? I am family and I'm concerned about my image. WOODY ALLEN: Aunt Stella, you can be sure that… AUNT STELLA: …That she called us all crazy! Now, this is what you SHOULD put on paper if you still want to live. It's true that her mother was a little bit… you know, before she died but that happened to her because she was too much aware about what was happening… (This you won't put on paper, it's dangerous!... Government matters, sssst!…) This girl will never have the chance to go crazy, she's just too stupid! (Now, this you can write.) And besides, she's not even thinking about her father! He worked so hard all his life for his public image and has succeeded to such a degree!… WOODY ALLEN: That you don't know whether you speak to him or to his public image! AUNT STELLA: Now, you see, you see, I was sure she told you that! F: No, I didn't! AUNT STELLA: That you mustn't write! WOODY ALLEN: But what should I write? F: A… AUNT STELLA: That she was meant to be The First Lady! With all her qualities, all her education, all the investments her parents made… but she was too stupid… F: No, I was not stupid! I was not aware of that! We lacked communication! AUNT STELLA: What communication? When you were a baby, you looked intelligent, why would we talk to you about obvious matters? WOODY ALLEN: Like what? F: A… AUNT STELLA: Like morality, of course! WOODY ALLEN: Aha. F: AUNT STELLA! WOULD YOU MIND BRINGING ANOTHER GLASS OF WATER TO MR. ALLEN? Maybe cook for him… A WHOLE TRADITIONAL ROMANIAN DINNER?… AUNT STELLA: Not a problem with me, I can speak from the kitchen just as well. WOODY ALLEN: Pst, Miss F!… How did you decide to become an actress? Whisper the answer into my ear… Ssst… F: Pst, Mr. Woody Allen!… I didn't like my life too much. Sssst… AUNT STELLA: WHY? F: BECAUSE YOU KEPT TELLING ME I WAS FAT!!! WOODY ALLEN: Pst, Miss F!… I think this consideration must have fallen onto your soul like a granite rock. Ssst… F: Pst, Mr. Woody Allen… Indeed. Ssst… AUNT STELLA: Any decent woman must have a reason to stay clear of men before marriage. F: Aunt Stella, go back to the kitchen! AUNT STELLA: I go, I go… NOW I'M IN THE KITCHEN! F: Pst, Mr. Allen…That's why I always had the feeling men would influence my life in a negative way… I felt somehow guilty… Ssst… AUNT STELLA: RUBBISH! SHE MISSED HER CHANCES! SHE HAD HER FIRST EXPERIENCE AS THE FIRST LADY WHEN SHE WAS STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL BUT SHE WAS NOT AWARE OF THAT! F: OF COURSE I WAS NOT AWARE OF THAT! THAT BOY-FRIEND OF MINE DID NOT EVEN BECOME A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY UNTIL 12 YEARS AFTER, WHEN HE WAS ALREADY MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE!.. TO MY BEST FRIEND! AUNT STELLA: THAT GIRL KNEW WHAT SHE WANTED IN LIFE! WOODY ALLEN: Pst, Miss F!… I heard many local leaders and even foreign VIP's… AUNT STELLA: SHE BEGAN TO GET INVOLVED WITH ALL KIND OF TRAMPS!… WOODY ALLEN: That's how you met… F: … Yes, The Real President of Romania…Pst, don't listen to my aunt, she's a liar, I was chased by my destiny but I was not aware of that!… Ssss… WOODY ALLEN: Aha… psst… AUNT STELLA: SO NO MONEY, NO CAREER, NO FAME! WOODY ALLEN: Yeah… the whole City was shocked by the story… F: AND NO MORAL OR FINANCIAL SUPPORT FROM MY FAMILY! AUNT STELLA: NOW SHE'S A LIAR! What about your father's weekly preach? F: Aunt Stella, go back into the kitchen! AUNT STELLA: I will, but not before I've said what I have to say! Mr. Allen, you mustn't think she was so desperate and lonely. We allowed her to have her own dog, so she could take him out twice a day. F: THAT'S WHY I PUT BLEACH ON MY NATURAL HAIR!… As a sign of protest… ssst… AUNT STELLA: EEEH! WOODY ALLEN: So you really lived like someone ordinary… sst… F: … Pst!… and when you live like someone ordinary, you forget who you are. Fortunately, I was not aware of that… sst… WOODY ALLEN: …Tsss!… Brilliant I must say! AUNT STELLA: WHEN SHE SAYS SOMETHING BRILLIANT SHE'S NOT AWARE OF WHAT SHE'S SAYING! WOODY ALLEN: That's why you went to Japan…sst… F: Mh… psst… WOODY ALLEN: Why Japan?… s… AUNT STELLA: You don't have to whisper anymore, the dinner is ready. WOODY ALLEN: Oh, my God, in fact why have we been whispering? I mean she's been hearing everything, all this time! AUNT STELLA: Yes. F: Oh, we've been whispering? I was not aware of that!… Aunt Stella, won't you be so kind as to prepare the breakfast for tomorrow morning as well? AUNT STELLA: No. Let me tell you why Japan. Because… Her friends were all reasonable married persons, how do you suppose they would have opened their doors for someone so platinum blond haired and single? She pretended no one around here understood her, that’s why she left! WOODY ALLEN: Yes but still that's not an answer to my question. Why Japan? I mean she could go to some other places, nearer… Moscow, for example… F: Oh, I could? I was not aware of that! WOODY ALLEN: ... AUNT STELLA: Japan, Japan, why Japan?… Because! Do you think someone in Moscow would have employed her? They are too close to Romania. F: I could get married! WOODY ALLEN: Miss F, didn't you hear what Aunt Stella said? Moscow is too close to Romania. Great sausages, Aunt Stella, I think you're right… This is a matter not even Miss F's most important biographer could solve. AUNT STELLA: What, the sausages? WOODY ALLEN: No, why Japan… although a symposium was held in Alabama, last year, under the title: "Truth and Romance in The First Lady's Life"… AUNT STELLA: No kidding?… F: Sorry, Mr. Allen… Who is my greatest biographer? WOODY ALLEN: Sandra Brown. F: Oh, she is? I was not aware of that! WOODY ALLEN: You know what, Miss. F! You are starting to get on my nerves. You're aware of nothing! DOG: WAW! waw! WOODY ALLEN: Right!… In fact, Miss. F, what did you do in Japan? AUNT STELLA: Yes, what did you do? F: Well, I meditated. WOODY ALLEN: No kidding! In Tokyo? F: Not only. I've also been to the temple of Narita. WOODY ALLEN: So it's true! The same important biographer asserts that visiting the temple of Narita, you inhaled some stuff that produced contact with the spirit of Buddha and that is why everything you did on that Tokyo night, was not a product of your upbringing. AUNT STELLA: I'm sure about that! F: Yes, maybe!.. But I was no… WOODY ALLEN: Miss F, if you're gonna say again 'but I was not aware of that' I'll…!!!%%@!!%$*^% AUNT STELLA: Calm down, Mr. Woody Allen, you must get used to this. Take some cabbage. WOODY ALLEN: Thank you… Miss F, try to get it into your head that something much more powerful than your will was active on that late August night in Tokyo, when you met The Real President of Asia! F: Well, maybe… it was immediately after my birthday. Ten days, in fact. WOODY ALLEN: Thank God she repeated that sentence no more! AUNT STELLA: Oh, she didn't? I was not aware of that!… Oh, my God… WOODY ALLEN: The cabbage is delicious, Aunt Stella. AUNT STELLA: You're welcome. Let me tell you exactly what happened to her when she went to that… place. Oh, I feel disgusted! She danced!… She drank!… She said 'hello' to everybody who was smiling at her, and because men began to stare at her and to gather around… F: Oh, I had a very familiar feeling, like being back home… WOODY ALLEN: At least, have you been aware of that? F: YEEEEEESSS! AUNT STELLA: She really felt well! Oh, it's disgusting!.. That's why she began to bother everybody with that silly question: "Sorry, but have you ever been to Romania?" WOODY ALLEN: And of course, no one had. AUNT STELLA: How do you know? Romania is a country with beautiful natural resources and a competent Government as well!… F: But Aunt Stella, how do you know such things? AUNT STELLA: The Government states it and I trust the Government! F: Aunt Stella, I was speaking about much more serious matters, the way I met the love of my life!… DOG: Snorr… snorrr… AUNT STELLA: Oh! About that? I heard you talking with that psychologist lady, or lawyer lady, I don't care which of them, when she came here yesterday, for 1 cup of coffee, and drank 5!… WOODY ALLEN: I think she lacked good family advice on that night. F: Not quite. A black female voice on the tape was singing: "Just do what you wanna do", so I did it!… Really, she was singing so loud, I couldn't help it. WOODY ALLEN: Oh, I think no one will ever know, it was due to the spirit of Buddha, it was due to that stimulating refrain or simply destiny, but I think that when he turned to look up into your eyes… and then… down to your body… something happened… AUNT STELLA: Yes, he called her a SPY!… What would the Government say about this? WOODY ALLEN: Taking into account that she was so many miles away from her father, that must have been the first moment in her life that she really did what she wanted. I hope that the Government will make an allowance for it. AUNT STELLA: The man must have read the sort of cheap denigrating literature spread I suppose by some kind of sick Hungarian minds all across The Western World, in order to create a wrong image about the innocent Romanian people! DOG: Snorr… snorrr… AUNT STELLA: I don't like him at all!!!… F: Well, I do! He was the most honest man I ever met! He told me even that his wonderful blue mysterious eyes were green in fact! Some other men in his place would have let me believe that their eyes were blue, for the rest of my life! And if you really want to know, after he called me a spy, he asked me to dance! AUNT STELLA: And you did? With a beer drinker?!!! F: Yeeeeees… I understood that the bottle of beer was a replacement for some answer he had never found in his own life. He hated his name, his job and something else very important that he kept hesitating to speak about… WOODY ALLEN: His wife? AUNT STELLA: Oh, my God! So he's also married!…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F: Yes, but when the music stopped, he told me 'I love you'. I began to shiver into his arms… DOG: Snorr… pfoooooooo!… WOODY ALLEN: And? And?… DOG: Pfooooo… _*&^_#@#… >>… !… F: And he asked me: 'Are you someone who gives her telephone number to everybody?' "NO! Someone as sexy as I must be very selective with people", I said, "otherwise she gets into trouble!" and I began to shiver stronger and stronger. WOODY ALLEN: Couldn't that also be a symptom of lack of minerals? F: Who cares about lack of minerals in such matters? He felt I was an honest person too and someone so… vulnerable!... In fact, he was the first who ever noticed it!… WOODY ALLEN: Snorrr… F: Hey, Mr. Woody Allen!… He told me 'I will protect you' but maybe he was not aware of what he was saying. What do you think? WOODY ALLEN: He invited you to his hotel?… snorrr… F: Yessss… WOODY ALLEN: Than he must have been aware… snorrr… F: Well, that's what I figured, too… I felt he was exactly the one I needed… for sure!… DOG & WOODY ALLEN: Snorrr… phooooooooooooo…! F: But don't think I accepted an offer to go to his hotel that first time!… No!… That night I said 'NO'! WOODY ALLEN: The image of your father must have suddenly appeared in front of your eyes… By the way… where is that charming and the wonderful cook, Aunt Stella?!?… F: Oh, under the table! She fainted when she heard that The Real President of Asia had a wife!… WOODY ALLEN: AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA!……………. F: AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAA AAAAA!>>>>>>>> DOG: WaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaWaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaa……….! * She woke up yelling: 'AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAH…!!!…' The telephone had been ringing for a couple of minutes and still did. Of course, she was not aware of that… She looked all over around to see where Woody Allen, the dog and Aunt Stella had disappeared to... She noticed only that her favourite sleeping T-shirt from Tokyo was wet like… Oh, my God!… she said and got down from her bed. She looked into the mirror like a crystal door. Oh, my God, what a face!!!… and she quickly began to use her hair-brush, her mascara and cheek blush. She heard the telephone was ringing like crazy… Oh!... She applied some final retouch to her make- up and hair-do and sent a kiss to the one in the mirror. Well, of course now she could get out of her room and answer the phone!… January 18, 1999 © Florina Fabian If you'd like to tell me what you think of my work contact: florina@cygenesis.co.uk |
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